By Anjali Kshirsagar / September 1, 2023
One day I was sitting in class at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics (NCSSM), eating my Cheez-It snack mix, when I happened to glance at the back of the box. This is where Cheez-It generally puts advertisements for their other products. Nothing out of the ordinary, until I saw an ad for Cheez-it Grooves. Recalling my last trip to the grocery store, I tried to remember if I had ever seen a box of Grooves, and came up short. My blood ran cold but I pulled myself together because I, like the rest of us, needed answers.
And so the search begins. I turned to the internet first and looked at the reviews for the Cheez-its in question. Just one look and it was clear that there was something more going on. Many comments had wrong capitalization or misspelled words.
User micheal.r says, “I love some regular Cheez-It crackers. They aren’t going to win any health awards, but are awesome for munching while movie watching.” The part that concerns me here is the special characters in the middle. It seemed like he tried to say “aren’t”, but instead came up with something that looks almost like a code word. What is he hiding? What are Cheez-it Grooves hiding?
Maybe I’m being paranoid. After all, a journalist who uncovers the truth is susceptible to making enemies. So, I took to the streets. I stopped the first people I saw and asked them, “Have you ever heard of Cheez-It Grooves?” When the answer is inevitably yes, I follow up with, “Have you ever had them before.” Without fail, the answer was no. Nobody has ever had Cheez-It Grooves before. I couldn’t keep this all to myself, so I confided in an RLA on 1E2E2D, Elizabeth Rose (commonly known as Emmie).
After our discussion, Rose about Cheez-it grooves that had happened earlier that week, she saw the Cheez-it box on a grocery shelf. Dumbfounded, she told me, “Until this past week I have never seen Cheez-It grooves in a grocery store in my life. It was like the matrix had been listening to me and put that Cheez-It grooves [box] in front of me.”
While Rose and I were discussing this, Lily McColley, (an honorary member of First Beall at the time, but now a full-fledged member), told Rose that she was crazy. McColley said that she in fact has seen Cheez-It Grooves, but has never eaten them. As time went on, she kept contemplating the absurdity that the snack doesn’t exist.
“I’ve seen them,” she repeats. “I mean, I’ve only ever seen them on the back of a box.”
I’m not jumping to conclusions, but Cheez-Its is hiding something, and I’m going to figure it out.
Stay tuned and stay safe.