The Stentorian Newspaper

Tag: horror

  • 1-800-FINALGIRL: The Only Hotline For Your Final Needs

    1-800-FINALGIRL: The Only Hotline For Your Final Needs

    (Marcellus Day)

    By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer

    Have you or a loved one recently realized that all your friends have been killed by the killer that’s been chasing you? Are you currently discovering this killer’s identity as that loved one is killed off-screen? 

    Then call the Final Girl Hotline, the only hotline for all your final needs! Our group of girls–who aren’t like other girls–wait around the clock to provide top-quality service to you as you mediocrely end this film! 

    We can provide improvised weapons like wire cords with same-day shipping. Feel like you know the killer? We can provide a convenient flashback to explain why, somehow, it is morally complicated that you must defeat them. 

    Our service isn’t just for your current final girl situation but for your final girl life! We can provide a convenient return to your normal life where you are not at all traumatized by seeing all your friends die, followed by a mysterious cliffhanger. 

    Then, if the network allows it, we can provide a sequel where your normal life is interrupted by a guy you’ve definitely killed already. We can even throw in a possessed child for a fraction of the cost! 

    So, if you’re a final girl, call us on your phone–that will definitely die mid-call–at 1-800-FINALGIRL! 

    *Please note we are not in operation on Halloween Night or Friday the 13th for the holidays.

  • Another NCSSM Ghost Guide

    By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer

    As the spooky season comes upon us, ghouls are fueled by fall fun, pumpkin spice, and midterm stress. To keep you aware of the recent hauntings, the Unicorn Paranormal Team has put together another guide on ghosts and how to handle them.

    The Book Whisperer is a ghost that can be found in all parts of campus. Said to take on the forms of various assigned readings, it softly whispers into the victims’ ears that they don’t need to do their reading and that it’s all common sense anyway. This ghost is rampant, and we have not found a 100% effective way to deal with them. The current conjecture is to throw the reading at the figure, although that has seen expensive fallbacks.

    The Hill Haunted is a particularly interesting ghoul; a former S’math student who went into Haunted Hill was scared to death. Some say that an actor tripped him, and others say they buried him in the volleyball court beside Hill. All we know is he shifts the position of the ground to make unsuspecting victims trip and fall in odd places such as up the stairs. If found, fall gracefully and strike a cool pose; he will be so frustrated that his attempt failed he will retreat to his resting place. 

    Please keep yourself safe this Halloween, and remember: be on the lookout, and if you see something, report it to the Unicorn Paranormal Activity Team.