By Teresa Fang, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief
An international panel of leading doctors, people with PhDs, online influencers who don’t have PhDs, historians, and so-called “almond moms” announced this week that Western civilization will reach the “best day ever” starting at 11:11 A.M. Friday.
“From the data I got staring at the sun yesterday to analyzing the fluctuations in gravitational constants to creating a database of all the alpha wave music I found on YouTube to today’s top-grossing movies featuring naked world leaders, I have discovered there is a shared milestone in each of these activities, festering into one exact moment in time,” said MIT graduate student Robert Dukie, who is completing his PhD at the Best Lab, which focuses on evaluating the psychoanalytical and philosophical considerations of computational geologic dating.
He gestures towards a nearby line graph illustrating Western society’s highs and lows. He draws a circle at one peak using a fat red Sharpie. “We’ve been charting this scientific and cultural ascent for generations now, from the creation of sliced bread to the first monkey in space, to the graffiti we’ve scanned in bathroom stalls at 18092 different public high schools. Everything has been leading up to this Friday.”
According to this unlikely group of panelists, the first miracle of “Best Day Ever” will occur at 11:11 a.m., when an Uber Eats driver will enter NCSSM-Durham’s PEC, believing the school to be a lackluster cubist prison, and, not finding what he is looking for, ask where “the freaking ‘brain’ lobby is supposed to be.”
The man, dressed in Crocs and blue overalls and determined by researchers to be the first catalyst in humanity’s epic beginning of a new era, will then be met with a $5000 tip from a certain Greenville-native, who will pop up from the bushes.
“This awesome day has been a long time coming,” said researcher Jamie Olivier, before picking up a hot pink marker and, seemingly without thought or intent, drawing an enormous, stupid-looking smiley face on his clipboard. “And by the looks of things, this will be our reaction.”
Some social media influencers believe the coming cultural pinnacle–the most intellectually and spiritually upgrading moment conceivable by science or philosophy–will signal the start of a healthier and less indecisive lifestyle. Many celebrated by filming 6-hour long TikToks (separated into multiple parts) and talking into microphones about every other time they did “something good for myself.”
“I’m just taking care of myself until that day,” said self-identified “carnivore” Miley Raymonds, mom of four, tearing out a hunk of what looked to be a skinned squirrel with her teeth. “God knows I trust those ‘see-in-tists’ completely. Our budget’s been constrained to the point we’ve had to scavenge for roadkill, and my little meat-eaters cannot be living on protein-less spinach and greens and less-than-quality red meat.”
Despite the panel’s findings, many are skeptical that humanity will see a new change on Friday, claiming that good things in life are only rewarded to those who act. The same terrible things happening in the world are likely to continue as egg prices rise to $1000 per carton and ICE becomes SHICE, now committed to deporting all people with small hands, which are of course “un-manly” and “un-American.”