The Stentorian Newspaper

Category: Satire

  • What’s Hiding in Hill House?

    By Viviana Gardner, Stentorian Staff Writer

    The lingering smell of sawdust in the air paired with the clattering of construction materials inside Hill House had filled my senses for the past three months. Every day, I walked past the building, my thoughts bubbling with curiosity about what lay inside the unfinished building. As my mind ran rampant with the possibilities held within Hill, I stumbled upon a theory greater than anything I had imagined.

    October 16th. The day had been particularly draining–the PSAT along with the altered schedule had thrown the student body off, going from class to class while instructors tried to drain every 25 minutes they had with us dry for education. We were tired.

    To give myself a break from the hustle and bustle of the day, I decided to give myself a short walk around the campus from the lovely comfort of the air-conditioned breezeways. Upon reaching the Greynolds tunnel to Watts, however, the air changed. The air was thin and it was alarmingly quiet. There was no ambient noise from the air-conditioning units and no scurrying of the rats in the wall. An absolute ear-deafening silence had been cast throughout that tunnel.

    A peculiar thought entered my brain at that moment, and I couldn’t help but let that thought guide my actions as I took cautious steps forward. My footsteps felt light but they were the only things I could hear as I went deeper into the tunnel and pushed my hand against the unusually heavy door to Ground Watts.

    The skull and cross-bones on the door to Hill Tunnel beckoned me forward and I was in no position to question its orders. The lights in Ground Watts were flickering, as if the power supply was running out. But that didn’t matter. Not when strange inhuman noises were bellowing from beyond the door to the Hill Tunnel. 

    Nobody had been in the area, or at least, no one was supposed to be in there; it was a restricted area and all the construction workers had been long gone. 

    Those noises only enthralled me further, and it felt like I had been walking for hours. Upon reaching my destination, a random Hill classroom, my eyes almost couldn’t believe what I had seen. Pods–hundreds of large humanoid pods molded in what appeared to be replicas of students who had been noticeably acting strange. 

    Upon further investigation, these were the same students who had let the stress of college applications get to them and fell victim to the curse of the “senior slump.” However, this was no ordinary slump. It was a disease that took over their minds rapidly and was somehow using their accumulated stress to produce an alien body double. 

    This is no satirical article. This is a call to action. Hill House is no construction zone. It is a housing unit for the aliens that have come to take over the minds of North Carolina’s best and brightest and if you’re not careful, you might be next…

  • 5th Bryan Turns Into Residential Hall, Workers to Move in Over Fall Break

    5th Bryan Turns Into Residential Hall, Workers to Move in Over Fall Break

    Teresa Fang.

    By Teresa Fang, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief

    At the conclusion of an all-employee professional development session at NCSSM-Durham last month, members of the administration unveiled news that 5th Bryan was ready for employees to move in. They reportedly chanted “we are a community” louder and louder until complaining faculty members grew tired of objecting.

    “So that’s why we bought that custom-made circular conference table?” a confused but increasingly aware employee, Joseph “Sharp” El Bows, observed. “Anyways, good riddance, because I always hated not being able to stare at everybody’s faces equally across the old square table. Oh, and I guess I’m excited to live rent-free.”

    The move will be effective over Fall Break, while students “don’t have the chance to mess stuff up” and faculty members can move in “without a hitch,” aided by all available residential staff. This will be overseen by Dean of Students Patricia Punctly, who volunteered for the position. “Rain or shine, I’ll be there. This is a great opportunity to demonstrate that the NCSSM comm-UNI-ty has immense compassion for our students going above and beyond the scope of the classroom!” she declared, chuckling at her own wordplay.

    Additionally, the 28 rooms on 5th Bryan will all be triples; an idea created by the new Director of Community Building, Wallopy Jones. 

    “I love that we’re finally seeing eye-to-eye with each other through the thick and thin,” said Jones. “In my past job, we didn’t get to live on school campus. We were always bored on the weekend! That’s why I quit.”

    Other employees share Jones’ excitement, including Community Coordinator Mary Ramsbottom, who has been at NCSSM since 1994 and was ecstatic to live closer to her teacher friends but slightly disheartened to hear she wasn’t able to room with them. Wondering why she couldn’t invoke the “Seniority Privilege,” she was quickly shut down by the administration.

    “I don’t need to share a room though, I’ve got mine right here,” Chancellor Tom Hawkins said, motioning to a hidden door on the far wall of his office, revealing a closet full of colorful sleeping bags fitting every holiday from Christmas to Tax Day. “I’m literally the chancellor of this place.”

    While this move is certainly novel in a variety of ways, the consensus among faculty is overwhelmingly positive due to the convenience of residential living and the opportunity to see the relaxed side of their students. 

    “Sweet! In all my years at Science and Math, I’ve always wanted to work on the weekends and see what my students are really like–like, what they’re really like,” said counselor Chitan Lee. “I hate seeing my seniors through grades on their transcripts. Now that’s saying something.”

    But despite the excitement of the administration, it was noted that during the professional development meeting, a fifth of the table stared at their fumbling hands in worry while imagining their work-life balance torn apart. Reporters were about to ask them for interviews before the loud chanting started and all forms of media was pushed out of the room.

  • The Striped Secrets behind Hunt’s Restricted Area

    The Striped Secrets behind Hunt’s Restricted Area

    Marcellus Day.

    By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer

    As a journalist and scientific mind, it is my job to question that which no one has and adventure into the mundane. I was taking my daily stroll down to Hunt Kitchen to feed Sam, the Sink Sea-Creature, as no one has been shoving food down the sink for him to eat (or so he tells me), and stopped to remark upon the unremarkable, or so it seemed. 

    An unassuming door labeled “Restricted Area: To protect people and equipment use of this space requires permission of Engineering Faculty.” Now this got me thinking, what does the school have to hide from us? I had to drop this thought as I heard the yelp of a student who Sam had eaten. Sea creatures can be so melodramatic sometimes. 

    Later that night I was sitting in one of the Hunt couches trying to unpack why Chris crossed Applesauce and what could be done to repair the friendship, when I saw two zebra-striped jacket-wearing cloaked figures enter the restricted area with a suspicious box. I watched them closely, and they left with no box. 

    Unbeknownst to these figures, a thin, strong yellow strand, of what seemed like hay,  fell out of their sleeves when they went to lock the door. I picked it up and ran to my room to add it to my “Is J-Todd A Lizard” board. Chris then called me to remind me about my mission. I thanked him and quickly made a “Is the Restricted Hunt Room a Cult Meeting Place?” board.

    I had the evidence, but I needed a plan of attack. Then I remembered something: the figures were wearing zebra-print jackets for the Zebracorns, one of the school robotics teams! All I had to do was pretend to be a part of the team, and BOOM–I would be in. 

    The plan worked like a charm; all I had to say was that I was an important robotics person, and suddenly they all wanted my secret knowledge. Which, of course, I would have to give them in secret. 

    They led me inside the room, and a foul stench hit my nose: horse manure. Upon them leading me further inside, I was horrified but impressed. There were at least 100 zebras all in their own pens. Mysterious cloaked figures were feeding them and brushing their hair. 

    I quickly remarked on how that is a lot of zebras for a high school robotics team, to which they replied in the most nonchalant way that they skin them for their uniforms. Like an upstanding civilian, I whipped my phone out of my pocket to call PETA, but just as I did, Chris called me first! 

    My cover was immediately blown, and I had to sprint to safety. Unfortunately, the only place I could think of was under the sink with Sam. If you see this, save me first then save the zebras.

  • NCSSM Brings the Olympic Spirit to Students, Creates New Olympic Sport “Textbook Pickup”

    NCSSM Brings the Olympic Spirit to Students, Creates New Olympic Sport “Textbook Pickup”

    ANNELIESE HEYDER – STENTORIAN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

    By Anneliese Heyder, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief

    The most anticipated sport at NCSSM has arrived: Textbook Pickup. 

    For most, this is the closest they’ll get to competing in the real Olympics. Students can be seen donning their uniforms ⎯ complete with laundry baskets, plastic tote bags, and suitcases, or coming with only a pair of hands. To many, this event is considered quite a feat and is seen as an Olympic sport. Students spend much time preparing for the challenge: sprints up and down the stairs, bicep exercises in the PEC weight room, and yoga to not tear any muscles. 

    Students arrive at the event with no warning of how many books they will be carrying back; numbers can range from 4-20 and vary in size. Got multiple science books? Dr. Martha Regalis’ class? Good luck with that. Humanities are normally smaller and more lightweight than the thick STEM textbooks (they can literally be used as weapons). 

    A Few Tips For Those New to the Event

    First, eat a big breakfast. You are going to want to be fueled for the journey. The last thing you want to do is run out of energy halfway back to your dorm, for once you stop it’s hard to start again. 

    Second, get there early or find a time when it won’t be crowded. This will help you not become overwhelmed, or frustrated and you can finish the event without bumping into other students. 

    Third, don’t dilly-dally. You’ll forget a book you need or end up with one that has pages falling out. Get your stuff and get out. 

    Now, there are obstacles you will need to overcome during this event. Don’t trip on the sidewalk on Hill Street or slip on the stairs. Keep your fob on hand so you don’t have to fumble with finding it for 10 minutes. Choose the right uniform: you don’t want to not have enough room to carry all your books (I recommend a laundry basket or tote bag). 

    How To Win

    Now, you may be wondering how this Olympic event is won. Some students have 4 books, others have 16. Some live on 1st Beall – a few steps from pickup – whereas others live on 4th West. How in the world is that fair? Well, this sport isn’t judged by how fast you grab your books or the amount you carry. It isn’t about if you got the first pick of the books or took the stairs instead of the elevator. It’s about community. 

    Community is essential to living here at NCSSM as good sportsmanship is to any sport; it revolves around lending a hand, offering support, and assisting one another. Do you see a student struggling to get textbooks up the stairs? Offer to take half. Did someone drop all their books on Hill Street? Help them pick up. Hold the elevator for others or plan with your roommate/hallmates for what works best for everyone. Does someone need an extra bag? Lend them one. 

    This sport has become a popular and competitive event here at NCSSM, and I am sure it will evolve in the next few years. Keep an eye out for more tips on how to best prepare for this challenge, as well as information on the other event in the NCSSM student Olympics: “Textbook Dropoff.”

  • A Unicorn’s Guide to Ghosts and Ghouls

    A Unicorn’s Guide to Ghosts and Ghouls

    MARCELLUS DAY – STENTORIAN STAFF WRITER, OPEN DURHAM

    By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer

    It’s a dark and stormy night for NCSSM, as the ghosts and ghouls of Watts Hospital and old NCSSM students who didn’t complete their orientation on time seek new victims: the juniors. Fret not, they aren’t as scary as physics labs, and with this short guide, you will have all the tools you need to identify and deal with all the hauntings of NCSSM.

    The Royall Nurse is the ghost of a heartbroken former Watts Hospital nurse. She went out past curfew to meet with her lover and never returned. That is, she never returned alive. She can be found roaming residential halls in search of juniors to hypnotize into breaking the 2-week rule, accompanied by the sound of her high heels clacking on the floor. If found, start over-explaining your comfort TV show that you binge-watched for the fourth time instead of writing your paper to her. She will soon realize that there is no hope for you and retreat. 

    The Phantom Plate Picker is a ghoul with sticky fingers. His death? While leaping out of bed at 8:25 a.m., knowing he had an 8:30 a.m. class, he slipped on a PFM plate that he stole and fell to his demise. He loves to steal plates from the PFM and place them in unsuspecting victims’ rooms, causing a great heap of paranoia yet an equal amount of laziness on the part of the victim. If you find yourself a victim, sneak the plates back into the PFM and return them.

    These are the least of the frightening beings that we share this campus with. Be on the lookout, and if you see something, report it to the Unicorn Paranormal Activity Team. More guides will be shared throughout the year.

  • Mysterious Illness: A Spoons-demic?

    Mysterious Illness: A Spoons-demic?

    By Emma Hunt / March 20, 2024
    With these spoons being passed from person to person, touched by the noses of strangers, and never sanitized, are we unknowingly contributing to the spread of this disease? A spoons-demic, if you will. (Teresa Fang/The Stentorian)

    Recently at NCSSM, an unidentified illness has been going around. There has been a large uptick in the number of students choosing to wear masks, and coughing can be heard ringing throughout the buildings. With the source of the illness unknown, one can only wonder… is it due to Spoons, the schoolwide game?

    According to one NCSSM student, “I saw an individual wipe their runny nose on their spoon and then go tap a fellow student with the spoon.” 

    As we all know, the transfer of bodily fluids is one of the fastest ways to spread cold-like illnesses. With these spoons being passed from person to person, touched by the noses of strangers, and never sanitized, are we unknowingly contributing to the spread of this disease? A spoons-demic, if you will. 

    The newspaper’s own Suchi Kona reports, “There was even a person who licked their spoon and then tagged someone else.”

    The game, though fun, shows a common occurrence: North Carolina’s “best and brightest” acting in an unintelligent manner. As developments are made within the game (the recently-attempted website as a prime example), one might suggest a more sanitary approach to the game. Maybe it’s time for a permanent change. Why must the spoon be touching the nose? Is there not a more sanitary body part we could choose, especially with the game being played in peak cold/flu season?

    When questioned about the addition of padding to the round part of her spoon, Thanai Votanopoulos states, “I add extra padding to my spoons so I don’t attract the ‘SSM cold.” Even going so far as to wipe it off with a Lysol wipe every day, my interview with her was still punctuated with a round of coughing. 

    We can’t know for sure, but I think it’s safe to say that Spoons is encouraging unhygienic practices and possibly even taking out NCSSM students – though not in the way it intends to…

  • Do Cheez-It Grooves Really Exist?

    Do Cheez-It Grooves Really Exist?

    By Anjali Kshirsagar / September 1, 2023
    Are these even real? (Cheez-It)

    One day I was sitting in class at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics (NCSSM), eating my Cheez-It snack mix, when I happened to glance at the back of the box. This is where Cheez-It generally puts advertisements for their other products. Nothing out of the ordinary, until I saw an ad for Cheez-it Grooves. Recalling my last trip to the grocery store, I tried to remember if I had ever seen a box of Grooves, and came up short. My blood ran cold but I pulled myself together because I, like the rest of us, needed answers. 

    And so the search begins. I turned to the internet first and looked at the reviews for the Cheez-its in question. Just one look and it was clear that there was something more going on. Many comments had wrong capitalization or misspelled words.

    User micheal.r says, “I love some regular Cheez-It crackers. They aren’t going to win any health awards, but are awesome for munching while movie watching.” The part that concerns me here is the special characters in the middle. It seemed like he tried to say “aren’t”, but instead came up with something that looks almost like a code word. What is he hiding? What are Cheez-it Grooves hiding?

    Maybe I’m being paranoid. After all, a journalist who uncovers the truth is susceptible to making enemies. So, I took to the streets. I stopped the first people I saw and asked them, “Have you ever heard of Cheez-It Grooves?” When the answer is inevitably yes, I follow up with, “Have you ever had them before.” Without fail, the answer was no. Nobody has ever had Cheez-It Grooves before. I couldn’t keep this all to myself, so I confided in an RLA on 1E2E2D, Elizabeth Rose (commonly known as Emmie).

    After our discussion, Rose about Cheez-it grooves that had happened earlier that week, she saw the Cheez-it box on a grocery shelf. Dumbfounded, she told me, “Until this past week I have never seen Cheez-It grooves in a grocery store in my life. It was like the matrix had been listening to me and put that Cheez-It grooves [box] in front of me.”

    While Rose and I were discussing this, Lily McColley, (an honorary member of First Beall at the time, but now a full-fledged member), told Rose that she was crazy. McColley said that she in fact has seen Cheez-It Grooves, but has never eaten them. As time went on, she kept contemplating the absurdity that the snack doesn’t exist.

    “I’ve seen them,” she repeats. “I mean, I’ve only ever seen them on the back of a box.”

    I’m not jumping to conclusions, but Cheez-Its is hiding something, and I’m going to figure it out. 

    Stay tuned and stay safe.