The Stentorian Newspaper

Category: Satire

  • Final Exam Study Guide for the Post-NCSSM Math and Everything Else Test, for June 2025

    By Teresa Fang, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief

    Dear seniors,

    If you are reading this, please give the grandseniors our sincerest thanks, for they have blessed us with the knowledge to hopefully ace the post-NCSSM math exam (which also has a bit of every other subject imaginable, somehow). When I brought up my memories of the entrance math exam as a sophomore to some of our UNC brothers and sisters last weekend, I believed that was the end of traumatic overstudying and that we’d spend the next two years having fun and dancing on the beautiful Bryan lawn every day. I didn’t foresee that there would be a surprise exam to test whether our knowledge retention is longer than a goldfish’s.

    God knows how many more surprise exams we will have to endure, but the grandseniors have mercifully provided us with some questions from their own exams. They were pulled straight from their own mighty memories, so I trust these questions completely and will NOT in fact be memorizing the answers, at all. BTW, I heard this exam will happen in early June via proctored Zoom.

    1. Compare the growth of the Fibonacci sequence to the number of emails you received titled “Free food in Blobby (walk don’t run)” in a single semester. What mathematical model best describes the rate of inbox saturation? Be sure to show all 492 steps.

    2. Prove, using indirect contradiction and at least one Hall Scream in the ETC gym, that the probability of getting into a good college increases with the number of problem sets you “collaborated” on but didn’t actually understand.

    3. If a student walks from Hill to the ETC in under 4 minutes carrying an iced lavender matcha from Joe’s and a TI-84, what is the minimum amount of shame they must feel for not taking the tunnels? Express your answer in terms of π, Euler’s identity, and residual sleep debt.

    4. Let xxx represent your GPA, and yyy your number of hours slept this week. Show that as x→4.0x \to 4.0x→4.0, y→y \toy→ [REDACTED]. Use a Lagrange multiplier if you’re feeling fancy, or just cry.

    5. Calculate the volume of a metaphorical void created by dropping your calculator down the Bryan stairs from 4th Bryan 17 minutes before the AP Calculus BC exam. Assume it echoes with your last three coherent thoughts.

    6. A student takes 8 courses in one semester, joins 4 clubs, runs for 2 positions, and attends 6 optional speaker lectures. Prove that this student exists only theoretically and was last seen orbiting the library at Mach speed. Bonus: Derive a matrix transformation that maps “ambition” to “burnout.”

    7. Using combinatorics, determine how many possible outfit combinations can be made from the same two NCSSM hoodies, one pair of sweatpants, and seven unmatched socks. Include all valid permutations for Thursday, 8:30 a.m. (C block).

    8. Using integral calculus, calculate the total amount of caffeine consumed by a student over the course of finals week. Be sure to account for exponential increase on the night before the Multi final and the delta spike caused by the ground Watts Coca-Cola machine breakdown.

    9. You have 6 unsolved past problems, 3 panicked Messenger chats, 2 unread Canvas announcements, and 1 chemistry packet due. Create a Markov chain to represent your decision-making process. Explain why every state leads to “eat pizza in the PEC.”

    10. Derive a function that describes the rate at which motivation decays when the Bryan courtyard hammocks are reinstalled. Bonus: Include external variables such as bird-watching, existential dread, and the Big Spoon concert.

    11. Define a topology on the set of all NCSSM students such that all paths lead to the Bryan lobby. Justify whether this space is connected, compact, or simply chaotic good.

    12. Finally, prove the following identity:

    (NCSSM Senior)^2 = (Fear of adulthood) + (Last-minute Common App edits) + (Fifth pod of Keurig)

    Use the Fundamental Theorem of Crying in the Shower.

  • The Streak is Broken at Historic Durham Athletic Park

    By Preston Mullins, Stentorian Staff Writer

    Durham Athletic Park, the former home of the Durham Bulls minor league baseball team and Bull Durham, the iconic film, now hosts a different tenant: the NCSSM Unicorns. In a ballpark steeped in winning history, a struggling high school baseball team sought to capture a bit of that magic for themselves. The players entered the 2025 season starving for a win; the Unis hadn’t tasted victory in three years. The team underwent a preseason of practice and preparation in hopes of finally breaking the streak that had haunted them for so long.

    The losses began to roll in as games began for NCSSM, but hope was not lost. The margins of defeat for the team were not what they had once been; the players realized they had the one thing they needed the most: a chance. When a matchup arrived at home against Triangle Math and Science Academy in early March, it initially felt like any other game. The Unis warmed up and took their usual positions on the field. Each and every player held a sliver of hope for the possibility of victory, but no one dared to get their hopes up. The streak had lasted for years, what would make them think it could be broken now? 

    That chilly night at the DAP was one that the NCSSM baseball team wouldn’t soon forget. Not only was the streak broken, but it was obliterated. The Unicorns routed the TMSA Tigers 18-2. This result came out of nowhere; one moment the streak was alive and well, and the next it was gone. NCSSM had piled up loss after loss for over 1000 days and just like that, the win column was no longer home to an enormous goose egg. The members of the team were unfamiliar with the sweet taste of victory; they would cherish it forever. The ghosts of the old ballpark came through for the Unis that night.

    The NCSSM baseball team had been the running joke of the school for ages, but following the win, the taunts and jeers quieted down, at least for a little while. The losses returned in the next few games, and a new streak began, but the team was able to pick another win later in the season, this time 6-4 on the road against Neuse Charter in late April. While the Unicorns were still far from a great baseball team, they had restored a bit of pride to their name, and the streak that had hung over their heads since 2022 was finally over. After all of the suffering the team had gone through in recent years, 2025 Uni baseball rode off into the sunset with a glimmer of hope for the future in hand.

  • Watts Tunnel Sealed Forever; Seniors Mourn, Juniors Whisper of Ghosts

    By Teresa Fang, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief

    As the Class of 2025 prepares to graduate on May 23, they leave behind not just textbooks and PFM cookies but the spectral remnants of Watts Tunnel, now sealed behind sterile plaster walls like a tomb.

    Once the artery of campus chaos, covered in neon ducks and strange student prophecies (“Don’t trust the ceiling tile”), the tunnel was abruptly entombed earlier this year. No warning. No ceremony. Just a wall, like the end of a horror movie where the haunted house wins.

    “I heard it crying at night,” said one senior. “Or maybe it was just the HVAC. But it felt personal.”

    Now, the tunnel lives only in legend. Seniors speak of it with the reverence of war veterans. Juniors stare blankly, like villagers in a ghost town who don’t believe the mine was ever real.

    “My roommate once got lost in there for three days,” whispered a senior. “She came out different. Quieter. She only eats from vending machines now.”

    Other stories persist: The Phantom of the Tunnel, who rollerblades silently at 3 a.m. The ducks that move when no one’s looking. The forbidden mural that predicted this very blockade, right next to the drawing of a suspiciously wide-mouthed ogre in a lab coat.

    Juniors scoff. “What tunnel?”

    But we know.

    As we walk the graduation stage, we honor not just our class—but a sacred passage beneath our feet. The Watts Tunnel is gone. But its spirit lingers.

    And sometimes… it honks.

  • The Service Learning Requirement Is Designed To Fail Students

    By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer

    At NCSSM, we brag about forcing our students to do community service, because we are an educational organization and not the justice system when someone commits a minor crime. From the moment we’re accepted, our objectives are made clear: stay on top of insanely hard classes, complete random courses about how to be a good person, and apply said courses to real life by doing 60 hours of community service- or don’t bother graduating. NCSSM’s policy is crafted with good intent; since the school is responsible for removing intellectual talent from local communities, why not force students to babysit kids at their local YMCA? However, a policy meant to help shape students into active members of their communities is not designed with all students in mind. 

    First, let’s walk through the numbers. Students are required to complete 60 hours of community service by Thanksgiving of their Senior year. Fair enough, right? This number seems reasonable until you consider the amount of time it takes to be a student at NCSSM. Including classes (~40 hours), one sport (~7.5 hours), one club (~3 hours), the on campus service requirement (3-4 hours), and taking care of eating and sleeping (77 hours), it takes around 130.5 hours a week to be a student at NCSSM.. That leaves a total of 37.5 hours a week to do other activities. Which, at face value, sounds like loads of time, assuming you don’t bathe, you’ll teleport to where you need to be, and that you have no friends or family that want to hang out with you. Essentially, it is nearly impossible to complete community service hours while at school, since one simply does not have the time. 

    Obviously, this issue can be easily solved; just complete the service requirement over breaks and summers! However, this simple solution is not accessible to many students as it makes one crucial assumption: that everyone’s home life is just like their school life. Being at NCSSM means a guaranteed roof over your head, three meals a day, support for mental and physical health issues, and a safe environment. This may not be the case for every student at home, and could prevent a student from completing the service requirement. The truth is that living away from home comes with its own set of financial obligations that every student’s family might not be able to cover without the student working over breaks. For many students, the service learning requirement simply isn’t a priority at home, and even if it is, what counts towards the service requirement?

    In order to be logged for the requirement, the volunteer opportunity must be in North Carolina (excluding online programs based in NC), and the student must not accept any type of payment for the service. So here’s an issue: what does one do when there are no opportunities in their area? Let’s take my hometown, Princeville, as an example. Suppose you search “volunteer” on Google Maps in my hometown. In that case, three results pop up: A Habitat for Humanity, which apparently is located inside a building that is currently being renovated into apartments with no phone number or website, a volunteer firefighter station which only accepts volunteers who have graduated high school, and a community outreach center, which doesn’t exist anymore. But why rely on Google? I’m an active member of the community, so I should go out to find more options. Princeville has a library and a senior center, both of which are not accepting volunteers at this time, a retirement home that requires volunteers to be  18 or older, and various churches, in which I’m not sure if they would love my help, considering I’m transgender. To keep it simple: there is no opportunity in my hometown, and I’m sure other students from rural areas feel the same way.

    NCSSM’s current remedy for this issue is to provide on-campus service opportunities during the school year (remember those 37 hours of free time?). They can be great means of gaining additional hours, but NCSSM has recently limited which on-campus services count. So, does NCSSM offer enough service learning hours on campus for students who cannot get them elsewhere? I would answer no, especially not accessible hours, as these events often conflict with clubs and sports. Besides, having to do all your hours on campus defeats the purpose of limiting on-campus opportunities in the first place. 

    The Service Learning Requirement fails all students by not being accessible to any student who does not have certain opportunities. While it tries to make up for it in various ways, it doesn’t change the fact that the policy was not intended to serve students but to serve NCSSM’s institutional ego. So while our current and future juniors stress out about meeting an arbitrary number, I wish our failed seniors a happy credit recovery. 

  • NIH Discovers Healthcare Breakthrough by Cutting Funding and Praying for Innovation

    NIH Discovers Healthcare Breakthrough by Cutting Funding and Praying for Innovation

    THE NIH REPORTS THAT THEIR EMAILS BACK TO CONGRESS ARE MET WITH THIS AUTOMATIC
    REPLY. (Teresa Fang/The Stentorian)

    By Teresa Fang, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief

    In a groundbreaking study funded by the National Institutes of Health (NIH)—right before their budget was unceremoniously slashed—scientists discovered that medical research does, in fact, require money. This shocking revelation, published in The Journal of Things We Already Knew, came just in time for Congress to announce its latest fiscal strategy: cutting NIH funding in favor of more “cost-effective” scientific solutions, such as wishful thinking and essential oils.

    Dr. Evelyn Carter, lead researcher at the now-defunct Institute for Curing Everything, expressed her concerns. “We were this close to finding a universal cancer vaccine. But, hey, I’m sure tax breaks for billionaires will cure something,” she said while packing up her lab equipment to sell on eBay.

    In response to public outcry, a government spokesperson assured citizens that medical advancements would not be affected. “We believe in the power of innovation,” he said. “And if there’s one thing history has taught us, it’s that the private sector, with its great track record of affordable insulin and fair hospital pricing, will surely step in.”

    Meanwhile, former NIH researchers have found creative ways to fund their work. Dr. James Patel, a neuroscientist, recently launched a GoFundMe titled Help Me Cure Alzheimer’s Before I Forget Why I Started This Campaign. It raised $27 before being overshadowed by a TikTok influencer’s fundraiser for designer dog sweaters.

    At press time, Congress was considering reallocating NASA’s budget to astrology, citing “strong public interest in Mercury retrograde.”

  • Best Day Ever of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday at 11:11 A.M.

    Best Day Ever of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday at 11:11 A.M.

    (AI-generated image)

    By Teresa Fang, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief

    An international panel of leading doctors, people with PhDs, online influencers who don’t have PhDs, historians, and so-called “almond moms” announced this week that Western civilization will reach the “best day ever” starting at 11:11 A.M. Friday.

    “From the data I got staring at the sun yesterday to analyzing the fluctuations in gravitational constants to creating a database of all the alpha wave music I found on YouTube to today’s top-grossing movies featuring naked world leaders, I have discovered there is a shared milestone in each of these activities, festering into one exact moment in time,” said MIT graduate student Robert Dukie, who is completing his PhD at the Best Lab, which focuses on evaluating the psychoanalytical and philosophical considerations of computational geologic dating. 

    He gestures towards a nearby line graph illustrating Western society’s highs and lows. He draws a circle at one peak using a fat red Sharpie. “We’ve been charting this scientific and cultural ascent for generations now, from the creation of sliced bread to the first monkey in space, to the graffiti we’ve scanned in bathroom stalls at 18092 different public high schools. Everything has been leading up to this Friday.”

    According to this unlikely group of panelists, the first miracle of “Best Day Ever” will occur at 11:11 a.m., when an Uber Eats driver will enter NCSSM-Durham’s PEC, believing the school to be a lackluster cubist prison, and, not finding what he is looking for, ask where “the freaking ‘brain’ lobby is supposed to be.”

    The man, dressed in Crocs and blue overalls and determined by researchers to be the first catalyst in humanity’s epic beginning of a new era, will then be met with a $5000 tip from a certain Greenville-native, who will pop up from the bushes.

    “This awesome day has been a long time coming,” said researcher Jamie Olivier, before picking up a hot pink marker and, seemingly without thought or intent, drawing an enormous, stupid-looking smiley face on his clipboard. “And by the looks of things, this will be our reaction.”

    Some social media influencers believe the coming cultural pinnacle–the most intellectually and spiritually upgrading moment conceivable by science or philosophy–will signal the start of a healthier and less indecisive lifestyle. Many celebrated by filming 6-hour long TikToks (separated into multiple parts) and talking into microphones about every other time they did “something good for myself.”

    “I’m just taking care of myself until that day,” said self-identified “carnivore” Miley Raymonds, mom of four, tearing out a hunk of what looked to be a skinned squirrel with her teeth. “God knows I trust those ‘see-in-tists’ completely. Our budget’s been constrained to the point we’ve had to scavenge for roadkill, and my little meat-eaters cannot be living on protein-less spinach and greens and less-than-quality red meat.”

    Despite the panel’s findings, many are skeptical that humanity will see a new change on Friday, claiming that good things in life are only rewarded to those who act. The same terrible things happening in the world are likely to continue as egg prices rise to $1000 per carton and ICE becomes SHICE, now committed to deporting all people with small hands, which are of course “un-manly” and “un-American.”

  • NCSSM Administration to start “Palentines” initiative

    NCSSM Administration to start “Palentines” initiative

    By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer

    After determining this year’s Valentine’s Day to not be “up to community standards,” NCSSM’s administration has been looking at launching a new “Palentines” initiative to encourage community bonding. 

    NCSSM has long prided itself on helping facilitate “close-knit communities” and “life-long friendships.” However, this year the community statistics have shown a decrease in both, with close-knit communities only being loosely knit and life-long friendships being reduced to semester-long. “This is very concerning,” an NCSSM community statistician told Stentorian journalists. “Without these statistics being up to standard, we can’t brag about them on our website!” 

    Nowhere were these stats proven more true than this year’s Valentine’s Day, where indeed no love was in the air. In an attempt to remedy this, the statisticians enlisted SG to create the PFM complement tree in addition to reportedly supplying them with unlimited Lindor chocolates to bribe their friends with. However, their chocolate tricks did not work; on social media, NCSSM saw a 30% decrease in Galentine’s Day Instagram posts and a 25% increase in Instagram stories with sad songs and cringey messages. 

    Due to these concerning statistics, NCSSM administration is developing a new initiative for Valentine’s Day called Palentines. This initiative would seek to increase community on campus by giving students time to build friendships. The program would randomly pair each person on campus with a Palentine and mandate that they spend an hour of “quality time” together before logging their experience in Schoolinks. 

    “This will be greatly beneficial to the larger community, as we all know that forcing students to do something is the best way to get them to enjoy it,” an administrative staff member reported. This initiative is currently being tested on lab rats to ensure statistical success, and if successful, it will most likely be initiated in 2026.

  • Person Behind Stentorian Hate Account, NCSSM Uranus, Found

    Person Behind Stentorian Hate Account, NCSSM Uranus, Found

    One such post from The Uranus. (The Stentorian)

    By Teresa Fang, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief

    A super confidential investigative report into the disappearance of the Instagram account, NCSSM Uranus, which erased their carbon footprint with just one conveniently-placed “delete account” button, was created for the purpose of being rivals with The Stentorian. According to third-party investigator Shrew D. Dodgers, the account was run by one man who claimed his application was rejected by the editorial board. As the editorial board, we have no recollection of this man because he simply did not submit the application in time. He was recently found in the corner of the PFM, building a makeshift newspaper box using an amalgamation of scrapped 3D-printed parts and frozen earthworms as glue, for the latest issue of Uranus.

    “Idiot. Only live earthworms are sticky enough to use as glue.” – Jesus Berthardt, Box Engineer

    “Look, I’ve been saying it for a long time, I know it, everybody knows it, this man is bad news. Bad. Terrible guy. Very mean.” – Donald Grump, Communications Specialist

    “He was funny until he spelled my name wrong.” – Dominiquq ASdjlajm\\,a, Email Spellchecker

  • 1-800-FINALGIRL: The Only Hotline For Your Final Needs

    1-800-FINALGIRL: The Only Hotline For Your Final Needs

    (Marcellus Day)

    By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer

    Have you or a loved one recently realized that all your friends have been killed by the killer that’s been chasing you? Are you currently discovering this killer’s identity as that loved one is killed off-screen? 

    Then call the Final Girl Hotline, the only hotline for all your final needs! Our group of girls–who aren’t like other girls–wait around the clock to provide top-quality service to you as you mediocrely end this film! 

    We can provide improvised weapons like wire cords with same-day shipping. Feel like you know the killer? We can provide a convenient flashback to explain why, somehow, it is morally complicated that you must defeat them. 

    Our service isn’t just for your current final girl situation but for your final girl life! We can provide a convenient return to your normal life where you are not at all traumatized by seeing all your friends die, followed by a mysterious cliffhanger. 

    Then, if the network allows it, we can provide a sequel where your normal life is interrupted by a guy you’ve definitely killed already. We can even throw in a possessed child for a fraction of the cost! 

    So, if you’re a final girl, call us on your phone–that will definitely die mid-call–at 1-800-FINALGIRL! 

    *Please note we are not in operation on Halloween Night or Friday the 13th for the holidays.

  • Another NCSSM Ghost Guide

    By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer

    As the spooky season comes upon us, ghouls are fueled by fall fun, pumpkin spice, and midterm stress. To keep you aware of the recent hauntings, the Unicorn Paranormal Team has put together another guide on ghosts and how to handle them.

    The Book Whisperer is a ghost that can be found in all parts of campus. Said to take on the forms of various assigned readings, it softly whispers into the victims’ ears that they don’t need to do their reading and that it’s all common sense anyway. This ghost is rampant, and we have not found a 100% effective way to deal with them. The current conjecture is to throw the reading at the figure, although that has seen expensive fallbacks.

    The Hill Haunted is a particularly interesting ghoul; a former S’math student who went into Haunted Hill was scared to death. Some say that an actor tripped him, and others say they buried him in the volleyball court beside Hill. All we know is he shifts the position of the ground to make unsuspecting victims trip and fall in odd places such as up the stairs. If found, fall gracefully and strike a cool pose; he will be so frustrated that his attempt failed he will retreat to his resting place. 

    Please keep yourself safe this Halloween, and remember: be on the lookout, and if you see something, report it to the Unicorn Paranormal Activity Team.