REPLY. (Teresa Fang/The Stentorian)
By Teresa Fang, Stentorian Editor-in-Chief
In a groundbreaking study funded by the National Institutes of Health (NIH)—right before their budget was unceremoniously slashed—scientists discovered that medical research does, in fact, require money. This shocking revelation, published in The Journal of Things We Already Knew, came just in time for Congress to announce its latest fiscal strategy: cutting NIH funding in favor of more “cost-effective” scientific solutions, such as wishful thinking and essential oils.
Dr. Evelyn Carter, lead researcher at the now-defunct Institute for Curing Everything, expressed her concerns. “We were this close to finding a universal cancer vaccine. But, hey, I’m sure tax breaks for billionaires will cure something,” she said while packing up her lab equipment to sell on eBay.
In response to public outcry, a government spokesperson assured citizens that medical advancements would not be affected. “We believe in the power of innovation,” he said. “And if there’s one thing history has taught us, it’s that the private sector, with its great track record of affordable insulin and fair hospital pricing, will surely step in.”
Meanwhile, former NIH researchers have found creative ways to fund their work. Dr. James Patel, a neuroscientist, recently launched a GoFundMe titled Help Me Cure Alzheimer’s Before I Forget Why I Started This Campaign. It raised $27 before being overshadowed by a TikTok influencer’s fundraiser for designer dog sweaters.
At press time, Congress was considering reallocating NASA’s budget to astrology, citing “strong public interest in Mercury retrograde.”
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