By Marcellus Day, Stentorian Staff Writer
After determining this year’s Valentine’s Day to not be “up to community standards,” NCSSM’s administration has been looking at launching a new “Palentines” initiative to encourage community bonding.
NCSSM has long prided itself on helping facilitate “close-knit communities” and “life-long friendships.” However, this year the community statistics have shown a decrease in both, with close-knit communities only being loosely knit and life-long friendships being reduced to semester-long. “This is very concerning,” an NCSSM community statistician told Stentorian journalists. “Without these statistics being up to standard, we can’t brag about them on our website!”
Nowhere were these stats proven more true than this year’s Valentine’s Day, where indeed no love was in the air. In an attempt to remedy this, the statisticians enlisted SG to create the PFM complement tree in addition to reportedly supplying them with unlimited Lindor chocolates to bribe their friends with. However, their chocolate tricks did not work; on social media, NCSSM saw a 30% decrease in Galentine’s Day Instagram posts and a 25% increase in Instagram stories with sad songs and cringey messages.
Due to these concerning statistics, NCSSM administration is developing a new initiative for Valentine’s Day called Palentines. This initiative would seek to increase community on campus by giving students time to build friendships. The program would randomly pair each person on campus with a Palentine and mandate that they spend an hour of “quality time” together before logging their experience in Schoolinks.
“This will be greatly beneficial to the larger community, as we all know that forcing students to do something is the best way to get them to enjoy it,” an administrative staff member reported. This initiative is currently being tested on lab rats to ensure statistical success, and if successful, it will most likely be initiated in 2026.
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